So. Many. Choices.

Ever walk into the liquor store, knowing you'd like to grab some beer, but would like to try something different than your usual domestic yawner? Ever stand in front of the display case of a superstore such as Binny's or Friar Tuck's and just zone out with a fixed stare at all the different types of beers? Ales and Bocks and Weizens and Porters attack and confound the untrained mind, leaving us to guess what kind of beer we may blindly hang our hopes on for the evening. Most places don't give you the luxury of sipping from a tiny paper cup to sample the brew, and I haven't yet seen a flow chart posted next to the cooler to give us a guide.

Until recently, I thought beers were categorized only by color. I figured from lightest to darkest went Pilsner, Lager, Ale, Porter, Stout. Turns out color is more an afterthought, as beers are categorized by the types of yeast used to brew them, the length of time fermented, and even the temperature at which it is fermented. Allow me to try to simplify all that I have read.

Beer is usually broken into two categories: Lagers and Ales. This is based on the two types of yeasts used. Yeast that ferments at the bottom of tanks makes Lagers, and yeast that floats on top makes Ales.

Lagers are fermented at cooler temperatures for a longer period of time, up to 2 weeks, then aged for up to 12 weeks. They are typically drier and less less fruity. Lagers are traditionally served chilled.

Ales are fermented at warm temperatures for short periods of time, about a week, then aged for 1-3 weeks. Ales are typically sweeter, with a fruity hint and malty flavor. They are typically served at room or cellar temperature to allow the flavor to emerge.

So, what about those others I mentioned? They fall under the Ale/Lager umbrella, and I'll list a few of the more popular ones here:

Ales

Alt or Altbier - Medium copper color, medium bodied, slightly fruity.
Bitter - British style, reddish copper, similar to pale ale.
Brown Ale - Dark brown color, medium body, malty flavor.
Cream ale -Light in color, high carbonation, little hop flavor.
Hefeweizen - Unfiltered wheat beer. Light in color and body, fruity.
India Pale Ale - Amber color, medium bodied, very hoppy.
Lambic - Belgian style wheat beer. Not malted, very fruity.
Mild Ale - Tawny to dark color. Gentle, sweet, meant to quench thirst.
Pale Ale - Light golden color, medium bodied, hoppy flavor.
Porter - Very dark, medium bodied. Dry, fruity, malt character.
Scottish Ale - Dark, full bodied, strong. Strong malt flavor & aroma.
Stout - Very dark, full bodied roasted flavor.
White - Pale and cloudy. Medium body, fruit, hops and malt flavor.

Lagers

Bock - Dark in color, full bodied, smooth, somewhat sweet. Brewed in winter, consumed in spring. Higher alcohol content (8%)
DoppelBock - Even darker in color, high alcohol content.
Dunkel - Dark lager, spicy, malty.
Marzen (Oktoberfest) - Amber-red, bronze or copper color, malty taste.
Pilsner - Clear, golden, light body and taste.

Okay, so after injesting that bit of knowledge, you may be more confused as to what's the difference between a malty flavor and one of predominantly hops? I found the following guide at MSN Encarta.com. (Blasphemy!)

Maltiness – Malt is derived from grains, and is the part of the beer that is fermented. The grains that are generally used to create malt are wheat and barley. There are several varieties of malt, with varying flavors. Many people also find a malty flavor to be somewhat sweet.

Hoppiness – Hops are a plant that is also added to beer, and they give beer a bitter flavor. Pale ales are generally the hoppiest beers available in the United States.

Fruitiness – Most ales have some degree of fruity flavor present, even though there is no actual fruit in the beer. The fruity flavor is a by-product of the yeast fermentation in the brewing process.

So hopefully I have imparted some wisdom to make your next obscure beer-finding excursion a little less stressful. I personally can't wait to take this guide with me so I can take some of the guesswork out of the process and score every time.